Three Questions to Ask When You Feel Bitter Toward Your Spouse
What is the number one rule in Marriage? “The husband takes out the trash.”
This should be the standing rule in every till-death-do-us-part commitment. Not because women are incapable of carrying a Hefty Sinch Sack out the back door, but because trash is disgusting and smelly, and I can claim “NOT IT!” faster than anyone else in the family. This rule of trash-taking was not a decision made by mature, godly spouses. We did not discuss and ponder and pray together over this responsibility (does trash really need prayer?). This is a rule I established all by my lonesome. I never actually said it out loud, per se, but it should be totally obvious, right?
Wrong.
When I grew up, “taking out the trash” was the guy’s job, whether that responsibility fell to my brother or my father. Also, as a seasoned and wise 21 year-old newlywed, I believed that if I didn’t give my husband a household “job” he would never lift a finger. Nothing speaks to a healthy marriage like assuming my husband is a lazy bum. #lifegoals
So, I held this unspoken, unmerited expectation that my husband would take out the trash anytime it reached a level that is considered illegal in most countries. With this husband duty listed in the back of my mind, I watched our trash can diligently, as any good wife would. As it got close to filling up, I expected my husband to valiantly sweep in and save us from the smell of rotting leftovers.
Surprisingly, he didn’t.
Not only did he not proactively help me with this never-before-mentioned responsibility, he would increase the load in the trash can. One day I even witnessed him pressing all his weight on top of the mounded trash pile in order to fit his empty Gatorade bottle. He then walked away, leaving the lid ajar because of the amount of waste inside.
Oh. No. He. Didn’t.
It was then I tasted the bitterness I had heard about in marriage. Because of a trash can, I now felt unloved. I felt overlooked. I felt cheated. Why wouldn’t he just help me?! This one incident, left unchecked, became a root of bitterness in my heart. From that root grew more unhealthy thoughts towards my husband. It is amazing how quickly an unmet or unspoken expectation can change our entire idea of what a godly marriage should look like! Each day I got to decide if the reality of what I experienced measured up to my “expectation.” I began to believe that he didn’t care about all the work I did around the house. I believed he was ungrateful and lazy. I claimed, “If he really loved me, he would help me.” These were all lies.
Our unmet expectations are the fertile ground bitterness uses to grow. When our expectations aren’t met, we decide that our reaction should be one of frustration, blame, and guilt, and it isn’t just household chores. Our husbands are to blame for not “leading our family” in faith the way we think they should. We are frustrated they don’t put kids to bed without us asking. We make vows of what we will and won’t do, and draw an invisible line between our husband and ourselves without even realizing it.
Our unmet expectations are the fertile ground bitterness needs to grow. When our expectations aren't met, we decide that our reaction should be one of frustration, blame, and guilt, and it isn’t just household chores. We make vows… Click To TweetLadies, it is time we take back control of our own hearts! The enemy has tried for far too long to plant bitterness in the soil that was made for love, and we have let him get away with it. No longer. We need a heart check! There are many ways to do that, but these are the three questions that have been most helpful to me.
Ladies, it is time we take back control of our own hearts! The enemy has tried for far too long to plant bitterness in the soil that was made for love, and we have let him get away with it. No longer. We need a heart check! Click To TweetWhen faced with an unmet expectation in my spouse, I ask these three questions:
“Is this expectation from me, society, the enemy, or God?”
A man needing to take out the trash is something I personally expect. It is something that my conservative upbringing taught me. And the enemy helped me land on that expectation by believing my husband will never be someone I can count on for help. And God? God had never ONCE told me that rule.
“Have I communicated my expectation to the person I hold responsible to fulfill it?”
My husband didn’t know my rule. I would wait until the trash was overflowing and burst out in my frustration, “Can you PLEASE take the trash out for me? I am busy getting everything else done in this house and I can’t do everything!!” His confused look as to why I was so upset, which made me more frustrated. He should just “know,” right? Wrong.
“What piece of this disappointment do I need to own?”
God showed me that in this instance, the bitterness was my own fault. I had let my thoughts, my past, and the enemy tell me what to think of my marriage and my husband. That doesn’t honor God! I needed to repent and ask God what He wanted from my marriage, and in things much bigger than taking out the trash. What other areas did I have unmet expectations?
The next time you feel bitterness start to creep in, assess your heart with these questions. God will direct you to your next step, whether repenting, communicating with your spouse, or adjusting your outlook. There is no marriage too far gone that God cannot redeem it. You have the chance to change it starting today. Don’t let bitterness steal one more day!
- Three Questions to Ask When You Feel Bitter Toward Your Spouse - February 20, 2018
What is there to do when the disappointment of staying faithful to marriage vowels are never met?? When 10 years of heartbreak and nights of tears go unanswered and you find yourself left with such relentless anger and that so called righteous anger turns into bitterness? Life is not meant to be lived this way. The only feasable thing to do is to take respite from this ugly union and salvage the little dignity I have left. There are four things keeping me to continue: God and my three children.
Oh how this speaks to my heart. Haven’t we all been there, the unspoken expectations! You hit the nail on the head… Satan wants nothing more than to separate us and cause division in our marriages. How can we let such little things do this? Its a hard lesson that I too learned the hard way. Communication is such an important part and lots of prayer.
I felt like you were READING MY MIND! I go through this trash cycle in my head and out loud constantly. And though I have communicated that expectation to my hubby, it’s still unfair of me to act as if I can never depend on him for anything, simply because he didn’t remember to take the trash out. Thanks for reminding us of truth and priorities.
This was an awesome read, something I really needed today because these last few days as a sahm have been quite challenging. The 3 questions will be so helpful when I’m unfairly judging my husband & becoming bitter. Thank you for sharing this!
Wow! This was so me last week. My husband and I both tend to communicate better in text, I know it maybe weird but it gives us time to think and to thoughtfully write out how we feel versus in-person hello emotions taking control. Last week we really reached each other and told each other how we felt…even the trash can.
Thank you <3
I love everything about this post. Communicating expectations is one thing that always seems to creep on my husband and I. Thank you for writing this, your posts are super encouraging!
I can relate to this, sadly. Definitely been there. These 3 questions are an excellent check list for my own heart!
Powerful, thought-provoking questions and ones we need to ask ourselves regularly! It’s all too easy to make assumptions and to see what we perceive are the logs in everyone else’s eyes, especially our spouses, and consider our issues mere character flaws at worst. Blessings as you speak truth into marriages in this series.
Communication is huge in stopping our grievances in settling deep into our hearts and becoming a root of bitterness! TY for your thought (and heart) provoking posts … ❤
These are fantastic questions. I love that you point them back to us and encourage us to have responsibility in our marriage instead of just place blame when we feel things aren’t going the correct way. It it is an expectation from God then we
These are fantastic questions. I love that you point them back to us and encourage us to have responsibility in our marriage instead of just place blame when we feel things aren’t going the correct way. It it is an expectation from God then we
Love the final 3 questions at the end! Very important. Bitterness can certainly sweep in when we don’t communicate our expectations. Great post!
Reading this made me chuckle! I too have always thought of taking out the bins as a boys job! My husband does usually always do it, but he has commented in the past that I am always around to do it too. I immediately met that with WHAT?! lol. It’s the same as visiting the tip (dump). Thats a boys job too because its stinky and gross! LOL.
Jemma x