Our story started over 21 years ago in a high school Spanish class. It involved a friend who played matchmaker and an ultimatum. She told a certain boy if he didn’t ask me to prom that day, it would be too late and I would say no. After class let out, he met up with me in the hall. While nervously walking me to my next class he fumbled over the words, “Will you go with me to prom?” And the rest, as they say, is history.

We got married a little over three years later. I was living my fairytale with my tall, dark, and handsome. We were going to have a few kids, and we were going to be googly-eyed over each other for forever.

The problem with the fairytale is that people bring baggage with them. The baggage he brought into our marriage was his ever-present struggle with pornography, and my baggage? Insecurity.

Fastforward 17 years and 7 kids later, and that’s where our story really picks up. I thought our marriage was good–it was a Godly marriage. We had been in ministry and had been seeking God and trying to live according to His plan for us.

However, on a quiet Sunday evening, my husband confessed to me that he had been in heavy battle with his struggle with pornography and had been for two years. While that night started healing for him, it completely shattered my life, my dream, and my “godly marriage.” And it ripped the band-aid off of my old insecurities.

We are not alone.

The thing is, it’s not just my marriage suffering. We are not alone although it feels that way. The truth is that there are thousands of women suffering silently with this form of betrayal, but all are too scared to speak about it. Nobody is talking about pornography use among Christians, much less among pastors and ministers. It’s embarrassing, for goodness sake! Who would want to share that?

Check out these alarming statistics gathered by Covenant Eyes in their “Pornography Statistics: 250+ facts, quotes, and statistics about pornography use (2015 Edition)”:

“According to a survey conducted by the Barna Group in the U.S. in 2014:

• 64% of self-identified Christian men and 15% of self-identified Christian women view pornography at least once a month (compared to 65% of non-Christian men and 30% of non-Christian women).
• 55% of married men say they watch porn at least once a month, compared to 70% of not married men.
• 25% of married women say they watch porn at least once a month, compared to 16% of not married women.

Are Godly marriages plagued by pornography?

After considering the statistics, is viewing and using pornography the norm? Is it really wrong? Does it destroy marriages, or am I just a big old-fashioned baby?

The short answer is yes it seems to be becoming the norm, yet it is wrong and it most definitely destroys marriages.

Pornography wrecked my Godly marriage, now what?

While this post is geared towards wives who have found that their husbands have sexual addictions, these helps can guide through the realization of any addiction.

Know it’s not your fault.

It’s not because you are overweight, or because you chopped all your hair off. It’s not because you aren’t very exciting in the bedroom or even that you don’t have sex often enough.

The fault lies squarely on the shoulders of your spouse. He made a choice. Now, he may say those are things that led him to seek satisfaction in the form of pornography, but they are excuses to validate his choices. You are not responsible for his choices, no matter now convincing the excuses may be.

Seek counseling and a Godly friend.

Do not suffer alone! Allow yourself to open up to someone. It may be Christian counseling or a trustworthy friend. Whoever it is, do it. Find someone because keeping these feelings and fears to yourself will only destroy you. This is imperative, friend!

Meet with the Lord.

Get in the word even though you won’t want to. I surely didn’t want to be reading my Bible. My original thought was, It is God, after all, who allowed this to happen to us, for our marriage to be shattered. I blamed God, and so I didn’t go to Him at first.

Can I tell you that’s exactly the place I should have gone? It’s the place I needed to go, and when I finally did, He met me there. While our circumstances didn’t change magically, my heart began to soften, and I began to really forgive.

Grieve.

Allow yourself time to grieve. You have lost something: what you thought you had, what you always desired, and what you feel like you’ll never have again. It’s going to take time to sort through your grief.

Focus on you.

Focus on yourself more by taking time to yourself. Spend more times with friends. Sometimes you just need to renew yourself in order to think more clearly. Pamper yourself a little bit, and don’t feel guilty about doing it.

As wives and moms, we tend to place ourselves last and only tend to our needs when everyone else’s are met, but when you are struggling though feelings of betrayal, you need to take time to put yourself first.

A word of caution here: I am not saying that we adopt a feeling of entitlement, rather I am suggesting that we take a time to step back allow ourselves a time to process all that is happening.

Set boundaries and safeguards.

Often we feel like rules bind us, and they do in a way, but they also are there to protect us. Even Paul in Galatians spoke about how the law was given to Moses as a guardian until the promise (Jesus) could be fulfilled.

We need boundaries and safeguards. If your husband is truly seeking repentance and restoration in your marriage and in his relationship with God, he won’t mind them. If he isn’t, then boundaries can be scary, not knowing how he will react, but as Kay Bruner said, “I will choose freedom and responsibility, and an honest mess of love that hurts over the fake-perfection of pretend, every time.”

Some boundaries and safeguards:

• Internet filter: (Covenant Eyes & Net Nanny are really good ones!)
• Accountability partner
• Asking hard questions
• Checking in
• Phone and device restrictions
• Separation for a time
• Verbal boundaries (I love you, but I don’t trust you right now.)

Be honest about how you feel.

Talk about how you feel to your husband. Since he jacked up your marriage, he kind of earned the privilege to listen to you be honest–down and dirty–about how you feel about the whole thing.

My encouragement to you:

Know that it will take a while, so give yourself time. Honestly, I still (almost two years later) struggle sometimes. The trust thing is huge, and I have to pray about that part often. Remember, I said that my baggage was insecurity? His struggle haunts me, makes me doubt and question, reminds me of how much I doubt myself.

I’d be deceiving you if I let you believe that it’s all perfect now. It’s not, and we continue to struggle through the muck of this ugliness. However, God is working in us and through us. He is truly bringing beauty from ashes– but it takes time.

The point is–it’s going to take time to work through all of your anger and grief and fear and trust issues. And that is completely normal and okay.

Take all the time that you need. Continue to pray and seek the Lord. He’ll give you the grace you need for every day!

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BrinaLynn

Author at Finding Joy with BrinaLynn

BrinaLynn is a wife and a mama to seven kiddos.She loves Jesus and coffee, quiet mornings and sunsets, the smell of books, and naps!Her blog, Brinalynn.com, exists to encourage wives and mothers as they navigate their way through life’s trenches.

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• Pornography Wrecked my Godly Marriage, Now What? - February 19, 2018