Making Marriage Work with an Opposite Schedule
My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we have been homeschooling our children for six years now. When we began, I used to work evening shift on the weekends only. That gave me enough time to teach my children and care for my home during the week. This worked well for about 4 years. Almost three years ago, I had to return to work full-time. I began in the evenings, 5 days a weeks (8 hour shifts) and it was stressful for my hubby, who has a regular day shift schedule, and I to do the swap. He was under pressure of getting off on time (and it didn’t always happen), and I was under the stress of making it to work on time (which didn’t always happen either). We were able to school the kids, but our stress of failing at our jobs was tiring us. Playing the tag game in the evening became a challenge as we were not spending enough time together.
“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” MARK 10:9
MAKING THE EFFORT
An opportunity arose at my job to switch to a night shift schedule working 3-4 nights a week (12 hour shifts). It took us some time to get used to, and this period of adaptation didn’t come with ease. The lack of proper sleep caused me to adopt an annoyed mood while issues in schooling the kids and getting them adapted to the new routine caused strain on everyone. My husband and I sat and worked out a schedule that included a prioritization of my sleep hours, and a time block of school hours. The days I would work, I would just dedicate 1.5-2.0 hours of school with the kids, and on my days off I would dedicate 2.5-3.0 hours of schooling. We both lead ministries at church, and as expected, those extra responsibilities also challenged our time together.
LEARNING TO SAY NO
When I wasn’t working, I was schooling, When I wasn’t schooling, I was in meetings, or in planning mode. Hubby began resenting my time, and rightfully so. I wasn’t doing much to show my love by caring for him nor dedicating the time we both needed. He expressed his feelings to me and we agreed that when we were all together at home, in my off days, I wouldn’t schedule anything in the evenings, nor have meetings with other people during that time. I also took a long break from blogging until we could get our new schedule down. I decided to keep only one responsibility at church, and he did as well. Family time was enjoyable once again and we look forward to those evenings in family, talking, eating dinner together, reading, playing games, and enjoying occasional movie nights at home.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?” Ecclesiastes 4:9
DISCONNECTING TO CONNECT
Undeniably, we enjoy our time together more when we disconnect from social media, text messages, and such. I feel that I have a less over stimulated mind, and can focus on our conversations better. It is a challenge though. As I write this, today, I had an argument with my husband about a moment that I took last night to randomly browse my Facebook newsfeed, as I waited for him to get ready for bed. When he came back, I failed to put the phone away, as my distraction was fed by the videos and pictures on that gleaming screen. He felt ignored, which led to a change in mood. We went to sleep without anytime to ourselves. Of course, when something like that happens, it generates a chain reaction. I went to bed upset for him calling the night soon, and I woke up moody. Today’s argument was bound to happen. I learned that we have to do our best to keep the rules establish in a marriage. Thanks to God, we managed to settle it and have left that incident in the past.
“House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.” Proverbs 19:14
PLANNING ALONE TIME TOGETHER
We love our children, and we make it a priority to spend time together with them, but as much as we enjoy and love them, we also need our alone time. In the past, we were so focused on them, that we began neglecting our relationship. Sometimes I would feel like he didn’t care for me, without realizing that he was feeling the same way. We talked about it, and decided to remedy that situation. Our little dates include watching a show/series together, that we both enjoy. Those dates happen usually 2-3 times a week on my off nights, after we put our little blessings to sleep.
Surprisingly, we enjoy these simple dates and try to make the best of them. W don’t get to go out as often as we like on a date. But when it does happen, we are excited and look forward to it.
ACCEPTING OUR DIFFERENCES
God gives us plenty of grace to deal with our flaws, but to also love each other for who we are. That’s one of the issues I’ve personally struggled with. Accepting him for who he is. I have always wanted him to understand my view, and I would resent his views without taking into consideration his side of the coin. It went the other way around as well at times. I have felt a difference in how I see him, because I’m being more open to his ideas and personal goals. We have both agreed to work together towards common goals together, but we also have agreed to support each other’s personal goals. Respecting that we each are individuals with different personalities, likes, and views, is a very important step in moving forward in our relationship, without compromising the bond that God intended us to be as one flesh.
Respecting that we each are individuals with different personalities, likes, and views, is a very important step in moving forward in our relationship, without compromising the bond that God intended us to be as one flesh. Click To Tweet“Be completely humble and gentle;be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:2,3
COMMITING TO MUTUAL GOALS
Committing to mutual goals lead us to interesting conversations, and planning together becomes an exciting dynamic. We are both compromising as we are well aware of the importance of being on the same page on all our common goals, and as we simultaneously focus on our personal goals without interfering with our marriage and family.
Working on opposite shifts has allowed us to take care of our children, and it has inspired us to be quite creative with scheduling and spending time together. “When there is will, there is a way”.
As a mother and main educator of my children, I have an enormous responsibility and a duty to God, to do my best to raise well-rounded Christian children, who will love God, and who will get Him known.
I blog at www.homeschoolepiphany.com and it is my hope to encourage other busy working, homeschooling moms by sharing a wellspring of resources ranging from motivation to actual practical and simple educational resources.
- Deborah and Jael: A Contrast of Success - May 10, 2018
- Making Marriage Work with an Opposite Schedule - February 25, 2018
So much truth! My husband and I are often on opposite schedules with his shift work! Thank you for this!
It is a challenge, but when we commit to make it work, in prayer, God does wonders!
Lots of helpful tips in this article. Personally I try to plan date nights so we can have time alone together without distractions. One area I struggle with though is learning to disconnect especially since I have started blogging. Thanks for the reminder that we should disconnect from social media and connect with our family.
That’s awesome that you can plan uninterrupted dates! and yes, blogging is a total beast on its own. Thank you Shanique!
My pastor just talked about disconnecting from our Social Media to stay connected to our spouses and children. Thank you for this beautiful post! ❤
You are welcome Donna! It’s a work in progress, but as long as we stay loyal to the rules we set with our hubbies, we should be able to enjoy the best time with our family.
That schedule sounds so difficult! I’m impressed you figured it out. Talking and prioritizing is so important, and I love how you mentioned the “other side of the coin,” seeing things from the other person’s perspective. I need to be better at that.
Jennifer, it was a challenge to get used to and to be able to work it out. We both long for me to be able to spend every evening and night together, but for the meantime, this is our season and we are thankful to God for helping us make the best of it. In truth, if I would have placed myself on my husband’s shoes from the beginning of our marriage, we would have avoided so many arguments! We learn and live! 🙂
I love the point about committing to mutual goals. Not only is that healthy to be agreeing on goals in marriage, but to have something you can work toward together is a wonderful way to bond! I’m so glad you found ways to connect with each other in the midst of crazy schedules!
Emily, at one point we were pulling on opposite ways with our goals. Once we realized how much damage we were causing, talked and agreed to work in mutual goals. It has been a total game changer!
Next year I may transition to being a full time mom so looking for tips on how to make it work with my husband who will be working full time still!
Hi Sarah! It will take some time to adjust to the new routine, but trust God and His plans for your marriage. When there is will, there is a way!
Maritza, I so appreciate your candor with the way you shared the challenges of homeschooling, marriage and schedules. I really appreciated the reality of the lure of the shiny screens. I have to fight the same temptations. Thanks for the encouragement. Bless you.
Hi Rosemerry! you are so welcome! Thank you for your kind words! I have to constantly keep reminding myself to leave my phone when we are spending time together in family, or just with my hubby. I have started to leave my phone away from me, so that I respect that precious time with whom matter most. God bless you too!