Hope for the Spiritually Mismatched Marriage

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If you are in a spiritually mismatched marriage, God has not forgotten you. He sees your heartache, frustration, and doubt that things will ever improve. You can find fresh hope in him, just as I have in my marriage.

My husband and I had a whirlwind romance. We met in February 2000 and were married that November. I had many hints that we were not on the same spiritual page, but I was madly in love and desperate to be married. When we married, I didn’t understand how MANY ways our marriage would be impacted by our spiritual differences. I discovered the truth about those differences only a few weeks after the wedding, and they are still popping up, 18 years later.

You may have known beforehand that you were mismatched, like me. You may have been saved once the marriage had begun. Perhaps you are both believers, but you are more interested in your faith than he is. Whatever your situation, there is still hope, joy, and peace waiting for you with Jesus. He is your lasting hope that will carry you through the special challenges you face.

Here are the principles I’ve learned that have helped me the most in my spiritually mismatched marriage.

Remember that God Himself will fill in the gaps.

In Isaiah 54:5, God has a special promise for you. The Creator is your Husband. Read that slowly again:

The Creator is your Husband.

Whenever you can’t share your faith with your husband, you can share it with God. If you can’t tell stories of God’s goodness to your husband, God wants to hear your praises. Whenever you feel lonely, afraid, worried, and frustrated in your marriage, God is your perfect companion. He will not let you down, no matter what. The Creator of the universe is right by your side. Cling to Him and read the promises in Isaiah 54 when you feel down about your marriage.

Whenever you can't share your faith with your husband, you can share it with God. If you can't tell stories of God's goodness to your husband, God wants to hear your praises. Whenever you feel lonely, afraid, worried, and frustrated… Click To Tweet

Don’t beat yourself up.

For the first several years of marriage, I blamed myself for knowingly choosing a spiritual mismatch. I couldn’t forgive myself and I wanted relief from the pain.

The truth is, once you are married, it is God’s will for you to stay married. This passage in 1 Corinthians has grounded me time and time again when I doubted whether I was following God’s will. This verse in Romans helped me learn to forgive myself and move forward in God’s grace.

I focus on verses of hope to move forward. You can find a free printable on my website, created just for you.

Draw close to God in prayer.

A spiritually mismatched marriage is full of frustration. Sometimes you may have seasons of strife. That’s why it’s so important to take all your cares and concerns to God in prayer.

Commit to praying every day for your marriage. You will probably be tempted to give up, as I have been many times. But God asks you to be hopeful, patient, and faithful in prayer. When you are constantly praying, you are standing strong in the spiritual battle that takes place in your home.

Keep a private prayer journal to track prayers for your spiritually mismatched marriage. Over time, you will see the growth in yourself and possibly in your husband. Make sure to keep it hidden away so it’s only between you and God. When you are feeling doubtful and hopeless, this prayer journal will be a lifeline to hope.

Be a quiet witness.

The Bible says you sanctify your marriage as a godly wife. But you are instructed to be a quiet witness to your husband. This probably does not look like quoting Scripture to him, leaving religious articles open on his desk, or texting him biblical advice. The Bible warns us about sharing what is holy with those who don’t accept it, and you could suffer unnecessary pain for trying too hard.

Let your integrity and quiet spirit shine as a light before your husband. Trust the Holy Spirit to work in your husband’s heart and get out of the way. This requires a lot of patience and self-control, and God will equip you with those gifts if you ask for them.

Guard your heart from vulnerability.

A wife in a spiritually mismatched marriage has special vulnerabilities. You may struggle with loneliness and longing. You may struggle with secret attraction to godly men. I understand how you feel. You can’t simply confess your sins to God. You need to take action to guard your heart.

A wife in a spiritually mismatched marriage has special vulnerabilities. You may struggle with loneliness and longing. You may struggle with secret attraction to godly men. You can't simply confess your sins to God. You need to take… Click To Tweet

Identify your triggers. If reading romance novels (even Christian ones), listening to love songs, or watching Hallmark movies make the struggle harder for you, give them up. If you find yourself attracted to a certain man, limit or end your time with him. Never share your marriage struggles with another man, unless you’re receiving counseling from a pastor or therapist (which I recommend). If Bible studies on marriage discourage you, pick another topic. Don’t let the enemy get a foothold in your vulnerable area. Pray that God will help you resist temptation and flee from it when it shows up.

I’ve also been strengthened by reading books for spiritually mismatched marriages. You can find a list of helpful resources on my website.

Put your husband first.

I heard this idea from Dr. Randy Carlson, and it has worked for me. Every so often, take a Sunday off from church and spend the day having fun with your husband. He may feel jealous of your relationship with God, even if he never admits it to you. By putting him first every once in a while, you will demonstrate that you love and respect him no matter what, and that you still enjoy his company.

Set expectations and boundaries.

Don’t expect more from your husband than he’s willing or able to offer. For example, if he’s willing to go to church with you but never wants to engage in spiritual conversations, accept the situation with gratitude. Take your disappointment to God in prayer. If I had lowered my expectations of my husband in the first ten years of our marriage, I would have suffered a lot less heartache.

At the same time, don’t allow him to berate you for your faith. You can say something like this: “I accept the fact that we don’t see eye to eye spiritually. But I will not listen to your criticism in this area.” You may need to leave the room or set other boundaries if he persists. Stand strong, and he will likely learn to respect your difference of opinion, even if he disagrees.

Be a spiritual leader for your children.

Even though God wants husbands to be spiritual leaders in their homes, you must not allow your children to suffer because your husband isn’t doing his job. You need to take responsibility in this area.

Pray with your children and have regular faith-based conversations at home. Take them with you to church and involve them in church-based activities. Have honest answers prepared for their questions about why Daddy doesn’t go to church, pray, etc., and make sure you answer without disparaging your husband. Take hope from this scripture, which shows that mothers have a powerful influence on their children’s spiritual lives.

Don’t walk alone.

You are walking a difficult path in your spiritually mismatched marriage. If you try to go it alone, you will feel weak and discouraged. Find one trusted friend who will pray for you and encourage you when you feel down. Seek counseling if you feel dragged down; this was essential help for me during some tough marriage storms. Surround yourself with Christian friends. They will help you see that every marriage has its struggles, even Christian marriages. You will gain hope by reaching out.

I pray that this post is helpful to you. Feel free to reach out to me with your prayer requests and please visit my site for your free encouraging printables and a special resource package in my library entitled Hope for the Spiritually Mismatched Marriage. Our God is the Father of Hope, and I know he wants to give you hope in your spiritually mismatched marriage, as he has in mine.

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Sarah Geringer

Sarah Geringer writes about Finding Peace in God’s Word at sarahgeringer.com and is the author of three books. She is currently writing a blog series titled How to Love Your Spouse in a Difficult Marriage. She has also prepared a special resource package for you in her library, titled Hope for the Spiritually Mismatched Marriage. Sarah lives in her beloved home state of Missouri with her husband and three children, right in the heart of prime viewing for the Great Eclipses of 2017 and 2024.