How to Find Hope If You Can’t Forgive Yourself

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One woman couldn’t forgive herself, and that made her thirsty. I understand.

The woman at the well is more like me than I want to admit. She was living with a man who wasn’t her husband…me too.

In her culture, living together before marriage was far more disgraceful than it was for me, nearly two thousand years later. But I still struggled with shame and embarrassment over my sin, just like she did.

In John 4, we learn that this thirsty woman visited the well in the middle of the day. She didn’t want to hear the whispers and feel the cold stares from the married women. The women who had gotten it “right” the first time.

She knew she was wrong. But they didn’t know her story of desperation and fear.

And until now, few know mine.

Why I Couldn’t Forgive Myself

I grew up a child of divorce, which left a giant deficit in my love tank. My trust in men was broken. Even though I desperately wanted a boyfriend to fill up my love tank, I was frozen in fear when I started dating at age 15.

My handful of dating experiences didn’t end well. I closed myself off during my senior year in high school and didn’t really date again until I met my future husband in February 2000, five years later.

I met him after a perfect storm that had been brewing for 22 years. Have you heard the acronym HALT before? Too Hungry, Angry, Tired and Lonely…those are signs you need to HALT and not make any forward movement until you get help. Unfortunately for me and for him, I was way past the limits in all four areas, desperately thirsting for love.

We met in February, moved in together in June, and were married in November. I couldn’t believe the person I had become during that 10-month millennial whirlwind. The one always called “Miss Perfect” in grade school, goody-two-shoes, church girl, and graduate of a Christian college was now a sinner with a capital S. The S hung on me like a bright red scarlet letter.

Someone told me I was “fornicating” during that time, and that God wouldn’t bless our upcoming marriage because we were living together.

They were wrong, SO wrong. But at the time, the comments plunged me into discouragement.

I had committed the “ultimate” sin in my book – sexual sin. The same sin that broke up many marriages in both our families. The sin that had caused me decades of hurt as a child of divorce.

I couldn’t forgive myself for what I’d done. I shut myself off from God’s grace, because I knew I didn’t deserve it.

But the spiritual desert I put myself in made me even thirstier than before.

The loneliness inside our new marriage shocked me. I thought marriage would be the cure to loneliness and hurt! Wasn’t marriage supposed to be better than living together? Disillusionment sapped my strength only two weeks after our wedding.

How God Helped Me Forgive Myself

In January 2001, I entered the counselor’s office in a deep depression. Those counseling sessions began a long process of forgiving people who had hurt me and forgiving myself for making mistakes. Just like the woman at the well, I had to learn that only Jesus offers living water that truly quenches my thirst.

About eight years into our marriage, I read Kevin Leman’s book The Pleasers (now out of print). He explains how living together before marriage “precludes” intimacy. He tells how couples who lived together often struggle to find intimacy in marriage, especially the wives, as compared to couples who did not live together before marriage.

This fact unlocked understanding for me. I had to accept the facts about what I had done to unknowingly short-circuit intimacy in our marriage. But I couldn’t afford to keep focusing on the past. I needed a new plan for moving forward.

Around the same time, I began an in-depth study of the book of John at my church. The story of the woman at the well in John 4 fascinated me.

If the woman at the well could find true satisfaction in Jesus, so could I!

I had to start with forgiving myself for the mistakes I had made. With help from my counselor and through daily Bible study, I began taking steady steps toward forgiving myself. These steps brought greater peace to our marriage, because I was no longer yearning for my husband to fill all my needs. As I allowed God’s grace and love to pour into my heart, He filled me up with living waters that satisfied my thirst.

How Jesus Ministered to the Woman at the Well

I believe the woman at the well learned to forgive herself for her sins. This is the process Jesus walked her through on that amazing afternoon described in John 4, and He will walk you through it too, friend.

He took an uncomfortable route to find her. (John 4:1-6)

Jesus had to go through Samaria to get from Judah to Galilee. Jews didn’t associate with Samaritans, but Jesus wasn’t afraid to go into this area. He knew this woman would be there, and He wanted to meet with her.

He spoke to her first. (John 4:7)

Jesus is always speaking to us. We don’t have to go searching for Him. He is patiently waiting for us to listen to His loving voice. Jesus wants to help you forgive yourself, and He’s already speaking to you about it.

He met with her one-on-one. (John 4:8-9)

This simply wasn’t done in their culture. Jews didn’t meet with Samaritans, and men did not meet with unmarried women. But Jesus was willing to bend cultural rules because this woman’s soul was at stake. He knew she would open up in private but not in public. Jesus wanted to show her that her secrets were safe with Him.

He offered her living water. (John 4:10-13)

Jesus always offers us more than we dare ask. She was simply coming to get water for cooking and washing. She knew she’d have to come again and again, struggling to avoid the shame each time. He offered her something totally different than what she was expecting, and much better than she could imagine. His promise included eternal life, something only He can offer.

He didn’t hide from the truth. (John 4:6-18)

Jesus was the one who brought up her live-in arrangement. He didn’t bring it up in a condemning way. He spoke the truth in love. This is what He spoke to me through His Word and through The Pleasers book. He showed His omniscience, which inspires awe and humility. But He never spoke a single word of shame over her, over me, or over you.

He shared a great blessing with her. (John 4:21-25)

When the woman asked spiritual questions, Jesus provided marvelous spiritual answers. He affirmed the fact that He is the Messiah with her–what an honor! If we seek Jesus for truth on spiritual matters, He will share abundant truth with us.

His words changed her life. (John 4:28-29)

The woman was so excited by this powerful news that she left her jar at the well and went straight into the village. Earlier in the day, she was cloistered in shame and embarrassment. But Jesus’ words of life quenched her thirst, and she boldly proclaimed God to the very people from whom she had been hiding. His words drenched her soul in forgiveness, truth, and grace. Her life was forever changed for the better because her soul-thirst had been quenched.

The changes in her life inspired others. (John 4:30)

The people came “streaming” to the village to see Jesus after the woman’s testimony. Don’t you love the water imagery in this passage? The new streams of living water flowing in her heart overflowed to others, and they streamed toward Jesus. I’m hoping my testimony today does the same for you, and I pray the God-ordained changes in your life will inspire others.

How Jesus Will Help You Forgive Yourself

You can take practical steps to learn self-forgiveness with Jesus’ help. Here are the steps that helped me.

Study God’s Word every day. The Holy Spirit will heal you through scripture. Make a point to drink it in a little at a time every day. I enjoy using the One Year Bible format.
If you are haunted by past sexual sin, confess it to God. Be honest with Him and with yourself. But don’t stay stuck in the past. Meditate on Romans 8:1, remembering there is no condemnation for you. This verse will help you forgive yourself.
Use a concordance (online or print) to look up verses on God’s love. Personalize the verses with your name. Let God’s love fill you up so you can stop looking for it in others.
Read quality Christian books on improving your marriage. I offer recommendations in my difficult marriage series. These books helped me heal from my many childhood wounds so I could be a better wife.
Seek Christian counseling. I spent over five years in counseling to heal from my issues. Even though the sessions cost thousands of dollars, they were well worth it. I wouldn’t have experienced recovery from my issues without it.
Attend church and get involved with a small group. Nothing compares to live Christian fellowship. Let the body of Christ minister to your needs. Small groups helped me grow in faith and relationships.
As you grow, God will send people to you who need to hear your story of healing. Follow God’s prompting to open up springs of healing waters in someone else’s life.

I pray these steps will help you forgive yourself the way God helped me.

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Sarah Geringer

Sarah Geringer writes about Finding Peace in God’s Word at sarahgeringer.com and is the author of three books. She is currently writing a blog series titled How to Love Your Spouse in a Difficult Marriage. She has also prepared a special resource package for you in her library, titled Hope for the Spiritually Mismatched Marriage. Sarah lives in her beloved home state of Missouri with her husband and three children, right in the heart of prime viewing for the Great Eclipses of 2017 and 2024.