Love And War
In marriage, we are aware of possible ups and downs, but we aren’t always aware of where those ups and downs will lead.
The sanctity of marriage is not curveball proof hence the rising divorce rate in America. In the past, when asked by single men or women about marriage, I often give them an example of a valley rather than a mountaintop experience. Contrary to Instagram and other social media platforms, the world is not interested in your perfect life, they want to know about the hell you endured to be where you are today. At times, my marriage seemed to have more valleys than I thought possible, but within those valleys, strength was forged.
When my husband and I were married, he was in the middle of his military career and had already completed one tour overseas in Iraq. Before I knew it, I was living in Killeen, Texas (Fort Hood) as an army wife and I can honestly say that there was nothing that could’ve prepared me for the issues we would face. After a very turbulent first year, my husband was sent on another tour overseas, this one in Afghanistan and even longer than the last. Ironically, his company was scheduled to deploy on our wedding anniversary.
My husband and I were on the verge of divorce after just a year. We honestly didn’t know if we would remain married after he returned. We were very young, inexperienced and had no idea which direction to take. The honeymoon was over and we were numb from the battle called marriage. How could we possibly survive a deployment?
Love and War
Well…we did survive. In a fifteen month span during his deployment, two members of my family died, including my brother who died suddenly. I relapsed and was once again spiralling amidst depression, suicide, and alcohol/substance abuse. My husband was on the other end of the world with broken bones, dysentery, separation anxiety, depression and something more serious that we later found ourselves contending with. It truly did appear that there was no hope, yet somehow, we pulled enough strength together to keep going. He returned home, we laid everything on the line and a new battle began.
I knew that something wasn’t right when we embraced for the first time when he returned home. It felt much like I would imagine hugging a dead body would feel like. I realize that isn’t the best analogy, but it best describes that moment. I looked into his eyes and saw nothing. There was nothing there and I was scared.
The war took the husband I knew away.
Over the next few months, the two of us lived like a couple that had never met. I had grown used to living alone. It was like we had both created a different life for ourselves during his deployment and now we were trying to awkwardly navigate our way through. For months, he couldn’t sleep without Tylenol PM. I would often find him standing in a room in the middle of the night and lead him back to bed. He would have no memory of it the next morning. The coldness in our relationship was killing me and I had no idea what to do. Something was very wrong but I had no idea how to handle it. I did what any praying wife does, I began to intercede. We hadn’t come this far to give up now.
One day, he left for work as usual. It was a normal day or so we thought. I called my husband late that morning because I realized that he forgot something at home…no answer. I called a few more times over the next few hours and no answer. Although it was unusual that he wasn’t answering, I thought nothing of it. A few hours later, my husband walked through the door. He was quiet and bewildered. I asked him about the missed calls…no response. Finally, I sat down next to him and asked him what was wrong. He proceeded to tell me that he had been arrested and detained for hours. At this point, I thought he was playing a joke and didn’t think it was funny.
The Battle on the Homefront.
He explained that when he arrived at the motor pool that morning, there were two MP’s waiting on him. They explained that he had been involved in an accident and a possible hit and run had taken place. No one was hurt, but he was the person they were looking for. My husband was in disbelief. They had witnesses. People saw him wreck his truck and then drive away. So, what was the problem? My husband had no memory of ever driving to the motorpool. He had no memory of hitting two vehicles. He had no memory of people trying to stop him and ask if he was okay. No recollection of anything.
Of course, he protested the allegations being brought against him and it was then the MP’s led him to the passenger side of his truck and my husband stood in disbelief. The entire side was completely destroyed. I too looked with disbelief as he explained and ran outside to see his truck. Something was wrong. This was not like my husband. I knew it. His friends and battle buddies knew it. His superiors knew it.
We all knew that something had changed and help needed to be found. We sat in silence for a few minutes and with tears in his eyes, my husband said, “ I think I’m losing my mind.” He was later given a diagnosis of severe PTSD. My husband had become so detached emotionally and mentally while deployed, he never recovered once he returned home and could not cope. We later discovered that there had been other times when he would have no memory of how we arrived at a place or who he was talking to. It was the pure grace of God he wasn’t hurt or anyone else for that matter.
The next twelve months involved loads of prayer, intense therapy, anger, fear, and another war on the homefront. My husband was not charged with any crimes. His drivers license was taken away until therapy and other required classes were completed. He was broken, angry and lost. I honestly had no idea if we could survive this. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to. What about our future children? Would he have the capability of fathering a child?
I had so many questions, but I had one answer. Stay. Fight. Intercede. Believe. The more I pressed into God, the more instructions He gave me. The more instructions He gave me, the more I interceded. Slowly, things began to shift. My husband began to heal each day. It wasn’t perfect and some days, it seemed we were going backwards, but as he began to heal, so did we.
Claiming Victory in the Battle.
It’s been 10 years since we crossed through this valley. My husband is still healing but I am happy to say that he lives a normal life. He fathers all three of our children with joy. He’s a writer, a business owner and has basically accomplishes everything he sets his mind to. He’s a different man. My husband is living proof that despite the broken system in place for our soldiers, there is one support system that is unmatched. The grace of God is powerful. Prayer works and the journey is filled with healing. Prayer works despite what some self proclaimed christians believe. It is the reason why we didn’t become a statistic. Prayer is the reason why we are still here. This life is not without challenges but we have been given all that we need to navigate through them and be victorious. In marriage, the battleground is real, but so is our God. Fight for what is yours. Remember, “…For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” (2 Chronicles 20:15)
TheStoryofNell1986.com
- Love And War - February 14, 2019
- The Matter of “I Do” - February 14, 2018
Theresa took the words right out of my mouth. I was going to say what an incredible story and one that will change and impact marriages to come! Thanks so much for sharing your struggles and victories!
As a former military wife, this breaks my heart. Keeping a Christian marriage strong in the military is a true battle in and of itself but God is good and HE is the one who battles for us. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know it will bring hope and encouragement to many.
Oh my, what a trial to face!! I can’t imagine how difficult that was for you, and for your husband. So glad our God is mighty and can restore!!
This is such a powerful story! Thank you for being so open and real about marriage.
Janelle, have you seen the movie “Indivisible”? The story is a lot like yours, and it really portrays well the struggle and God’s power to heal and restore a marriage from the devastating effects of PTSD. It is a very well-made faith-based movie. I think you would enjoy it.
Wow! This is a powerful story. Thank you so much for sharing and thank you for continuing to lean on the Lord. Your story is such a powerful testimony of the Grace of God. Thanks again for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this part of your story. PTSD is so hard to navigate and the toll it can take on a home is intense. Praise God for the courage to stay and love and work through it. What a picture that is of GOd’s love with us.
What a powerful story. So glad you made it to the other side. Prayer is so powerful.