Moving Past Resentment in Your Christian Marriage
You’d like to move forward in your marriage, but you can’t stop thinking about what he said. What he did. What he’s still doing. You feel stuck in your anger to the point of bitterness. It affects how you feel about your role as friend, helpmeet, and lover. Even though I’m a Christian psychologist, I’ve been there. Praise God, I’ve been freed of resentent! Now I want to share biblical wisdom for moving past resentment in your Christian marriage, so you can enjoy your relationship with your husband once again.
How My Resentment Started
My husband and I are both very social people. When we were first married, I was happy that my husband kept himself busy playing sports and hanging out with friends. I was finishing my Ph.D. and I needed the time and the quiet.
I didn’t have a problem with my husband’s social calendar when we had our first child either. I took my baby everywhere with me.
But when babies #2 and #3 arrived, my social outings dwindled. I had an active preschooler, a toddler, and a baby to buckle up, occupy, and care for. It was more trouble than it was worth to take them with me.
My husband’s social calendar, however, continued as usual. He would announce that he was going to the game, to a concert, or to play sports in the evening as he was getting ready to go. This was not different behavior than it had ever been, but suddenly I was offended.
“I’d like you to put your plans on our family calendar,” I told him.
My husband was aghast. He didn’t see why I needed to know ahead of time.
“What if I wanted to go out tonight? I can’t because you’re going out too,” I explained.
I won’t give you his exact quotes so you won’t resent my husband too. But I will summarize that he felt I was trying to control him and that I was just jealous that I didn’t have as many friends as he did.
That wasn’t the problem, but as his unplanned social outings continued, my resentment of him grew.
Have you struggled with resentment in your #marriage and want to move on from it? There are 3 things that you have to STOP doing and 3 things you must START. Difficult? Yes. Life changing for your marriage? Absolutely! #IStillDo Click To TweetThree Powerful Ways of Moving Past Resentment in Your Christian Marriage
Before I can tell you how I moved past that resentment, I have to explain what was fueling it.
#1 Stop mind reading and believe the best
Even though my husband’s behavior hadn’t changed since we’d been married, in my mind he now had the worst of intentions. Here is what I thought:
“He is so selfish.”
“He doesn’t care about me and my needs.”
“He doesn’t care about the kids.”
Those thoughts increased my resentment. I was married to a selfish, thoughtless husband and father. I had to do everything while he partied like a bachelor. As a result, I told myself, I was forced to lead a miserable life of servitude to these children.
No doubt the enemy was goading me on.
By the time my husband returned from one of his outings, I was livid. We often had a fight during which my husband would say things that made me resent him even more.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but my mind reading was destroying our marriage. Here is how I could have believed the best instead, and you can too.
I could have done some truth journaling to challenge my mind reading.
In response to my thoughts, I could have written, “We are all self-centered. My husband enjoys spending time with his friends and playing sports. He is very outgoing and this is one of the reasons I married him. He is often home most of the day, unlike many husbands, so I shouldn’t be concerned if he goes out more in the evenings. He plays with the kids and helps out a lot during the day.”
TIP: Try writing out your resentments and then responding to them with truthful statements that don’t involve guessing at your husband’s motivation.
#2 Stop playing the martyr and take care of your own needs
I realized that my husband was half right. I was a little jealous that I wasn’t going out with my friends without the kids in tow. I was being a martyr by assuming I had to stay with them every night.
I decided to start planning more girls’ nights out for scrapbooking, a moms’ Bible study, and dinners with friends. These events were on our family calendar. I enjoyed them so much and found I needed them for stress relief as a mother of young children.
Quite a few times my husband would announce he was going out with friends on nights I already had plans. I showed him what I had marked on our calendar. I hoped to get revenge by his being forced to stay home with the kids. Instead, he was completely undeterred. He called until he found a last-minute babysitter every. single. time.
My husband’s behavior was very instructive for me. If I had been in his shoes, I would have stayed home with the kids pouting. He never even considered not doing what he wanted to do. He took steps to make it happen and was happy because of it.
TIP: Make a plan for how to meet your own needs if your husband’s behavior doesn’t change.
#3 Stop being prideful and forgive your husband
At the heart of my resentment was my pride. I believed I was a much better spouse and parent than my husband. I wouldn’t plan events without putting them on the calendar. Perish the thought! I would make sure my husband was okay with me being gone, too. I would stay home in the evenings more often as a parent should and was clearly better.
But James 4:6 tells me that I wasn’t. “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Even if I made better choices about social outings (and that’s debatable), I wasn’t better than my husband.
I suspect that God’s response to my complaints about my husband would have been to turn them around on me. I was being selfish. I wasn’t thinking about my husband’s needs. I wasn’t caring about my kids by living as a martyr who resented their dad.
And worst of all, I wasn’t forgiving my husband for his minor offense when my pride was so much more offensive to the Lord. Yet that pride was forgiven for Jesus’ sake.
TIP: Confess your unforgiveness to the Lord and tell your husband you’re sorry for resenting him.
Conclusion
It took time, but I started to believe the best about my husband that he is a social, fun-loving guy. I started taking care of my own needs by going out whenever I felt the need. And I forgave him and accepted that he wasn’t going to use our family calendar (he still doesn’t). As a result, I moved past resentment to begin enjoying my marriage relationship again. My prayer for you is that you will do the same and will not give the devil a foothold of resentment one day longer.
- Moving Past Resentment in Your Christian Marriage - February 19, 2019
- Navigating Disagreements in Marriage: What to Do When It Can’t Be Resolved - February 8, 2018
Amen to every bit of this Melanie! “#1 Stop mind reading and believe the best” whew if I only did that one piece so much would change!
Thanks, Tiffany! Glad that resonated with you.
I agree with the article and that resentment should be put aside. But to not curb his activities once he was the father of children is selfish, in my view. The mature thing is to slow down a bit and help out more. To be more home focused. My hubby reluctantly did this. He agrees now it was the right thing to do, part of growing up as a father. I would not have coped with our large family if he didn’t. Now they are older, I’m encouraging him to do more outside the home but still not to the extent he used to when single or with no kids.
Of course, I was in full agreement with you at the time! And he has changed considerably since those early days. So have I. I stopped being a martyr. I learned that if I needed help and he wasn’t available that I had options. I know every marriage is different. It sounds like you have found what works for you.