Keeping Your Christian Marriage Strong in the Midst of Infertility
From our earliest starry-eyed conversations, my husband and I knew we wanted to be parents. We discussed our views on parenting, what our own parents did well, what we wanted to change, and how children would fit into our marriage and life. It wasn’t a question if or even when, we knew we wanted several and soon.
But as our marriage unfolded and hopeful anticipation turned to desperate longing, we realized that our dream of holding children with his smile and my eyes (and hopefully neither of our noses) was going to make a miracle. And while we are believers in a God who works great miracles, we also accepted that God’s plan for our lives might be vastly different than plans we made.
While we intellectually were able to grasp that God’s plans were greater than ours, the loss of a dream crushed our hearts.
Christian marriage is a gift because it shares the fundamental understanding that we are broken and that things are not as they should be. As my husband and I struggled to reconcile our inability to have children with friends expressing overwhelm with the children they had and even worse, horrors on the news of parents mistreating children, we felt this pain acutely. And we grieved.
We grieved the loss of our dreams and the marriage we had envisioned. But we each processed this grief in dramatically different ways in dramatically different times.
The Pain of Infertility
Infertility is a pain that sits deep inside and bubbles up within when it’s least expected. For me, this unexpected guest often makes an appearance in otherwise happy moments, holidays, family gatherings, or even just beautiful days, when a little nagging voice reminds me that the visions I had of sharing these moments with my children will never be realized. For both my husband and I, it’s often lashed out in resentment, in wondering if we should still stay married when the visions we had will never be realized.
It is in these moments when we need to bring truth of Scripture to one another and remind ourselves of God’s redemptive power. Because while infertility was a surprise to us, it was never a surprise to God. On our wedding day, when we stood wide-eyed, ready to face for better or worse today, He knew the pain and loss that awaited us.
And our marriage meant that on our worse days, He was on our team and working in our hearts to make us a team who worked together to keep our faith strong even when our eyes cannot see what God is doing.
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. – Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, ESV
Your Christian Marriage can Survive Infertility
While there are many relationships that Solomon may have been writing about in Ecclesiastes, I feel like the two who are better than one speaks more clearly of Christian marriage.
Christian marriages are for better or worse, until death do us part. They require commitment above and beyond what others in the world are willing to give. Instead of seeking to build ourselves up, they require that we put each other before ourselves and love in the same sacrificial way as Christ loved us.
In the valley of infertility, this was hard to see. It felt easy to let go, to move on, to say that having our dreams shattered was harder than we ever dreamed. But when I am at my weakest, when I am broken and desperate, my husband often stands as a pillar of strength. Likewise, when his heart grows cold and distant from disappointment and disenchantment, I am there to keep him warm. We work together, giving and taking, sharing and encouraging, to point each other to greater hope than we have in this world.
#RT Christian marriages require commitment above and beyond what others in the world are willing to give. Instead of seeking to build ourselves up, they require that we put each other before ourselves & love in the same… Click To TweetAnd when we are both broken? When we both are fallen and ready to stay down, He lifts us up.
He reaches out and ministers to us in our weakness. The greatest tools to keeping our marriage strong in the midst of infertility has been the Body of Christ in our local church.
Because while we would like to keep our weakness a secret, while the Enemy would have us believe that it is shameful and something to hide, God tells us something differently.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9, ESV
When we finally laid down our pride and humbly share our struggle with our brothers and sisters in Christ, we found hope like never before. They encouraged us with their own stories and reminded us of our commitment, for better or for worse, to walk through life today.
God’s Faithfulness in the Midst of Infertility
After years of disappointment and asking why, we still don’t have clear answers but that doesn’t mean that God has not strengthened us. Because, while this isn’t what we imagined our life together would look like, that doesn’t mean that our life together is not and will not continue to be good.
We serve a God whose greatest act of love was displayed in a brutal death on a cross. But that death that seemed like the end was in fact the beginning of a beautiful story of reconciliation. With that in mind, we can face all of our tomorrows knowing that, even in the darkest of days, God is working to redeem and make all things new. Even in infertility.
She has a deep love for the Lord and a His Church and loves equipping others into deeper faith through the traditions of the Christian faith.
- Keeping Your Christian Marriage Strong in the Midst of Infertility - February 26, 2019
I’m your neighbor at “Let’s Have Coffee.” Thank you for sharing your story-I have many friends who will benefit from it!
I love how you keep your eyes on God – you don’t understand but you keep trusting. Thank you for sharing ❤️
I’m sure infertility is really difficult. I really cannot imagine. But I am also very thankful when people strive to believe in God’s goodness even in infertility, because not only is that important for their own spirits, but it also shines a vibrant light for the world.
Thank you for sharing your story. I so appreciate how you continue to lean on the Lord even when there are unanswered questions. Blessings to you and your hubby.
Thanks you for bravely sharing this story of God’s faithfulness and hope in the midst of Infertility!