Miscarriage: What Could Have Driven Us Apart, Brought Us Closer Together

I am an informed and seasoned planner while my husband Ted’s world resembles today. When we initially discussed having children before we got married, we both were anywhere from on-the-fence to two-kids-MAX. One day a few years into our marriage we were both on the same page and that very month, we made a baby. Wow, that was scarily easy. Our second child, not so much.

We tried for thirteen long months and were finally successful. Believing that between our recent conception challenges, breastfeeding, thyroid issues and sheer exhaustion, pregnancy was a near impossibility.

We were beyond surprised to find out that #3 was arriving a quick seventeen months later. Three kids in 4.5 years was crazy, but by this time we found we were in love with having children.

I loved being pregnant and didn’t have any complications. I never complained because I had many friends and family who struggled to even conceive. As I was reaching my 35^th birthday (when doctors make you feel like your eggs expire), Ted and I discussed adding one more to be our caboose. Looking at the calendar, this was the perfect time to do it because I would be done before the end of my 35^th year.

After a couple of months, we were pregnant and absolutely elated that the timeline was perfect. One of my sisters and I were even due within a week of each other, AGAIN! Just like all the others, I felt great except for feeling unusually cold. I dismissed it because it was near winter months even though my winter pregnant norm was still flip flops and tank tops.

At our first OB appointment, we went in for the ultrasound and I saw that there wasn’t as much brightness on the screen as I was used to seeing by this time in the pregnancy. The embryo was very small and had a lower heartrate. My doctor also informed me that my progesterone was low and that I needed to begin supplementing immediately. By the way she was asking me about my dates and checking her charts I could tell she was skeptical but trying to remain unbiased. A follow-up appointment was set for after the holidays.

I had a feeling something wasn’t right about this pregnancy while Ted felt like there was nothing to be concerned about because of my perfect history. When we went in for our follow-up, they took us to the “special” hallway away from the “happy” hallway for our ultrasound.

There was no heartbeat.

I began to cry out of grief that we would never meet this tiny human. I looked up at Ted and he was in complete shock, staring at the screen in disbelief.

We left the office with a plan to let my body do the work and 17 long days later, it was painfully complete. Ted was with me through every contraction, every emotion including fear, anger, sadness and shame, and held me through the night after it was over. But while the physical pain had ended, the emotions seemed to have just gotten started.

Normally, I am an upbeat, positive person, but this felt like an emotional tailspin. I couldn’t stop crying. On top of the raw emotion of the miscarriage, I began to fear that I was such an emotional wreck that Ted would be unable to be around me and eventually leave. I have seen husbands leave over less. This fear only compounded the tears.

I was trying to handle my pain alone when what Ted and I promised each other at the altar was to share our burdens. When I told him I was scared about how much I was crying, he actually gave me the space to cry as much as I needed and didn’t try to rush me through them. Surprisingly, this grace caused my tears to stop sooner than I expected. I felt loved and secure by the way he responded to my honesty. What could have driven us apart actually brought us closer together.

Four months later, we found out we were expecting. She didn’t fall into MY perfect timeline as I was now 36, but she was exactly what God knew we needed and has blessed our lives for the last six years.

Do not allow the world’s standards to be the standard for your marriage. When the tough stuff comes (which it will), know that you are stronger together. It isn’t easier to just quit or give up on your mate. The richness of marriage comes from what you make it through.

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Charity Bradshaw

Charity Bradshaw is a wife, mother of four, author and entrepreneur. She is an expert at helping people who want to write a book become authors through Launch Author Coaching, her live 12-week online course. She is the President of LifeWise Books, a publishing house catering to authors with meaningful messages looking for top-notch service matched with honesty and integrity.

Charity and her husband, Ted co-authored the book, Staying I Do: Committed, Connected, & Crazy in Love For a Lifetime. www.tedandcharity.com

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• Miscarriage: What Could Have Driven Us Apart, Brought Us Closer Together - February 27, 2019