Why You Need to Get to Know Your Spouse Again
As my husband and I sat in the marriage counseling appointment, I felt a little undone. We weren’t supposed to be here. I thought everything was going well (me being naïve) until my husband had told me the way things were going was not what he wanted.
I wanted something better too, I just didn’t feel the urgency as he felt.
Why couldn’t we work on our issues later, when the kids were gone, when we weren’t so busy?
We’d resume our way. After all these years, we’d find our way back to each other. Or would we?!?
We had lost “us” in the midst of kids. Conversations were interrupted by small voices, date nights were rescheduled, or dropped due to babysitter mishaps.
Time spent together always felt rushed because we needed to get back to our brood.
Connection and communication just seemed like it was happening on different planes. We weren’t filling each other’s buckets as lovers.
Trying to Diminish Problems
Can I be honest? The fact this all came to a head surprised me because I thought things were ok. I guess I had just thought this was how a godly marriage was with a family, the busyness of life, and exhaustion from trying to keep everything together.
Walking into meet Michelle, our therapist, I had a feeling of disappointment or maybe even a twinge of shame.
Our marriage was supposed to be better. Did we really need help? Did this mean things were broken beyond repair?
Conversations interrupted by small voices, rescheduled date nights and babysitter mishaps can all cause seasons where a husband and wife can drift apart until they don't even recognize one another. With God's help, that can change. Click To TweetGetting to Know Each Other Again
Here’s what I’ve been learning as we regularly meet with Michelle. Relationships change. They are not static. How we related before kids, after one kid, after 2 kids etc. changes, accepting that each other is different might be hard to swallow.
We may even see things we really don’t like about our partner. And the same is true of us, they might see things that aren’t pleasing either.
Our relationship changes through kids getting older, leaving the nest, and then as a couple without kids.
Rather than looking at the homework from the appointments as was too much work to change and adapt to, it’s a chance to fall in love again, to find the best in each other, and learn to grow stronger together.
I’ve learned a lot about myself and the things I need to work on when my husband explains his feelings about me and how I interact with him.
This wife, she has missed the mark so many times. Some of the time, I’m not even aware of the tone, body language or messages I’m sending him.
How Do We Move Forward
Many people would probably come to the conclusion that their spouse and they aren’t a “match” any longer. Some might think changing and adapting is too much work and decide to throw in the towel.
God tells us in His word to bear each other’s burdens. What does this exactly mean?
In the context of marriage, I believe it means that we love each other through the ups and downs in married life.
When things are hard and we aren’t even sure how to reconcile or even how to grow back together.
(Galatians 6:2, NLT).
2 Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.
Love remains through seasons of closeness and seasons of more distance. Unconditional love reigns when the kids take up most of our time and we’re left with exhaustion.
Staying in love means we love our spouse when one is struggling.
All of these examples, in essence, is finding love and starting a new relationship with our spouse as we traverse life. Each season will look like a new relationship and each season will be a bearing of burdens somehow.
Confirming I Still Do
As we commit to loving our spouse through the entire course of our godly marriages, we obey the instructions God has given us within the covenant of marriage.
(Mark 10:8, NLT).8 and the two are united into one.’[a] Since they are no longer two but one.
I don’t know about you, but I think we can find gold nuggets in our spouse in each season where we learn something new and even fall more in love with them.
We confirm to our spouse that we are in this commitment for the long haul.
Each season of our life will require changes to our relationship and we might need to pursue them in a different way than we did in the past. Click To TweetStarting a New Relationship with Our Spouse
- Reaffirm our love to our spouse
- Let go of the past, offer grace and forgiveness.
- Find excitement as we uncover new things about our spouse
- Work for a deeper connection and greater communication
- Relearn your spouse’s love language (through the years, it might have changed)
Making changes seems scary after we’ve gotten comfortable in our relationship. We might wonder if our spouse will like us after all these years.
Or maybe we fear if we will still actually want to spend time around each other when the kids are gone.
The takeaway from this post is that we need to constantly need to be pursuing our spouse.
Each season of our life will require changes to our relationship and we might need to pursue them in a different way than we did in the past.
When we spoke our marriage vows, we promised in front of God to love our spouse for life, “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to you.
No matter what each of us goes through, we need to support, encourage and love our spouse which might not look the same in every season.
2 Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love (Ephesians 4:2, NLT).
When we look back over the footprints of our journey, God will start unmasking the hard places. Joy and wonder will fill us because there was meaning in the mess for us.
Blog: https://www.unmaskingthemess.com
- Why You Need to Get to Know Your Spouse Again - February 22, 2019
- 3 Reasons Why Your Faith Matters to Your Kids - May 6, 2018
- The Secret to a Godly Marriage Doesn’t Involve Money - February 16, 2018
Julie, you are right. It is easy to lose touch when you have kids and as you grow older. My husband and I have not always seen eye to eye, and sometimes it’s been very hard. But when we married we made a commitment to each other and to God. Love is above all, and sometimes it takes hard work. But I think you are right about reaffirming our love and letting go of the past and finding new ways to love and communicate with each other. Thanks for your great insights! Blessings to you! I’m your neighbor at #Let’sHaveCoffee.
This is really interesting and I’m always open to improving things in our marriage. I would never see marriage counselling as a shameful thing, more so it’s fantastic way of working at your marriage. You did an amazing thing.
I absolutely love this. So many married couples would benefit from understanding these principles you taught earlier in their marriage rather than later.
“Relearn your spouse’s love language (through the years, it might have changed)” <– this is so true. When my husband and I first started dating, I thought my love language was physical touch, but it's really acts of service. I didn't realize this for a while and after I did, communication became easier. So it's not just about keeping up with your spouse's love language — double check to make sure yours is still what you expect it to be!
Reaffirming our relationships and our vows is really important .Kids can take away a lot of our time and energy especially when they are young .
“Staying in love means we love our spouse when one is struggling.” this really resonated with me. It’s hard with all the things that distract us, to stay focused on our marriage. THanks for the encouragement.
This is so true, Julie. It’s easy to lose our way in marriage–drifting in different directions, simply because there are so many things and responsibilities pulling us in different directions. Thank you for your candor on this subject and pointing us back to our mates, one small step at a time! Thanks also to Angel for sharing your insights with us!
Love your transparency and honesty. Thank you for writing this post!