Selfishness in Marriage Stinks!
I had an unusual dream the other night. It was unusual for three reasons. One, I was exercising in it. That has never happened before and hopefully never again — I woke up tired. Two, the dream was filled with people I had only recently met. I’ve never had a dream about acquaintances. And three, when the dream ended, I was disappointed. I actually woke up crying. I’ve never had that happen either. I feel as if the dream has significance, if for no other reasons than God was glorified and I felt my faith challenged on several levels.
I’d like to share with you one of my takeaways today. This nugget of truth applies to Christian marriages, and I hope it will be the encouragement you need to stick through the tough spots of marriage. My prayer is that you will endure through the, “I do!” Keep reading, new friends.
In my dream I am running with my husband, Jody, at night down a familiar street. He looked over to me and barked, “We need to look like we are exercising.” I made a snarky reply that for me running at any time of day or night is exercise. We continued running to an acquaintance’s house that we had visited for the first time the week before. When we arrived, we noticed that the lights were all off.
I looked down at my watch and said, “Sweetie, it is 10:00 p.m.; I am sure they are asleep.” Confidently yet softly Jody whispered in my ear, “The FB message said that the secret to weight loss is running; I’ve already lost 10 pounds off my back side.” Again softly, he said, “No one would ever post about something as silly as weight loss today, it must be the clue … run to their house at 10:00 p.m. and come in through the back door.” We walked around their house and tried the back door. It was unlocked. We went in.
There was indeed a prayer meeting going on, quietly in a candle-lit room. I knew all the people in the group, but I did not know any of them very well. As the group started, it became clear that my dream was about the persecuted church here in America. Separation of church and state were no longer tolerated. Congress had eliminated the church, closed every church door and declared it illegal to be a Believer. So, we were meeting underground, so to speak.
During the meeting, the leader asked everyone to share a high and a low from the past few days. One man shared something selfish about how he wanted to personally use a bonus he got at work. Instantly, every man in the group stood up and challenged him. The group obviously had a well-known monetary need for a member of their group who was too sick to be at the meeting. The group leader even went so far as to say that the smell of this man’s “selfishness stunk up the room.” It was very dramatic. The man who had made the selfish statement immediately dropped to his knees and repented.
As the meeting went on, more was shared and each statement was supported, questioned or rebuked. This group of people were truly living as the body of Christ. Their lives depended on each other and in turn on each of their individual dependence on Christ. They were transparent, not for the sake of a ‘Kumbaya” moment, but for the glory of God.
Each was easily convicted, earnestly sought God’s plan and lovingly invested with their fellow believers. As a long-time member of many different small groups with different churches over many years, I was blown away. WOW! Many other conversations happened. Lots more detail to support the above conclusion, but too long to share today. You can read it here.
The bottom line is this: I want to be a part of that group of believers! In the dream, there was the warm glow in the room – a happiness even in obvious times of peril. By the end of the meeting, the room was of one accord. What an amazing feeling! Prayer and praise lasted until the wee hours of the morning. We all slowly left in a staggered fashion, jogging back to our respective homes.
My Takeaways
When I woke up, I quickly woke up my husband. I asked Jody if we had run over to our friend’s house the night before. He replied, “No.” Then I knew it had been a dream. My heart sank. I went to my study and wrote down as many details as I could remember of the dream … because I wanted to be able to remember that feeling of “one accord.” It was awesome, something I crave and want in my life! I then went back to bed and contemplated the impact of persecution on the American church, family and marriage.
I decided that if the church were to be persecuted and forced underground, marriage problems would disappear, and Jody and I would be out of a job. No more marriage counselling, mentoring and late-night crisis sessions because each of these marriage crises have one thing in common – selfishness. Selfish thoughts are the basis of almost all marital discord. If I had a penny for each time I said, “love each other (1 Peter 1:8)” to Christian couples who wanted to punch their spouses light out, I’d be a millionaire!
Selfishness
From the beginning, God knew we would be selfish. Over the years we, the world and sadly the church, has subtly decided that there is a better plan – equality, with every person fighting for their own agenda and desires. No one bends, everyone is afraid of losing their self or giving up valuable territory within their marriage. Sad, but true. If you have ever thought “this is not fair,” you have also bought into this “new plan.”
This self-serving plan can lead to the destruction of your marriage or to a coldness that cannot be tolerated without additional sins to find “comfort in.” Hear me clearly, friend – this is the wisdom of the world. Instead, let’s reject this approach and look to God and His word for the answers in our marriages. God’s word supports selfless love; demonstrated by the sacrifice of Jesus (John 3:16, 1 John 3: 16-18), denial of self in the pursuit of the kingdom (Luke 14:27) and love doesn’t quit (1 Corinthians 13:7-8).
We must realize that if we cannot live in one accord inside our marriages and tap into the power of the Spirit, we have no hope of living as one accord in the body of Christ. These two institutions are linked by God for a reason. Marriage is a microcosm of the church. I think this truth is why I was so grieved when I woke up and realized the dream was not my new reality. My desire is to live with brothers and sisters in Christ as Jesus demonstrated and Paul penned (Ephesians 5:23). I do not want the stench of selfishness to exist in my church, my marriage or my heart.
We must realize that if we cannot live in one accord inside our marriages and tap into the power of the Spirit, we have no hope of living as one accord in the body of Christ. These two institutions are linked by God for a reason. Click To TweetI only see this changing in the body of believers if we live out the Gospel in each of our individual marriages. As Christ followers, we cannot treat marriage as the world does. We must hold our behavior to a higher standard – God’s standard. We must forgive and repent (Matthew 6:14-15), pray for our spouses even when they wrong us (Matthew 5:43-48), speak truth in love (1 Corinthians 13:5), and let nothing separate us from the covenant we made in front of God. This is the ammunition that will defeat self-centeredness.
These spiritual disciplines are a must in every Gospel-centered marriage. Where these actions thrive, love and honor will happen naturally. Persecution may be the necessary catalyst, but I am praying for a revival that will open our eyes to our own sinful hearts. But I’ll take whatever God graciously allows.
I pray that this post has been helpful and assists you on your journey through the “I do!”. I’ve enjoyed our time together! Stay in the Word, on your knees in prayer and chasing after Jesus hand-in-hand with your spouse!
“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13).”
Love one another earnestly from a pure heart (.1 Peter 1:22).”
- Selfishness in Marriage Stinks! - February 12, 2019
- Raising the Next Generation of Gospel Movers - May 24, 2018
- Five Ways to ABUSE Proof Your Marriage - February 10, 2018
Wow, and all of this from a dream! At the moment I am not part of a small group, or even a church, as my life is in a bit of transition and things are a bit complicated, so reading this gave a small (okay, huge) ache in my heart to also be a part of the body of Christ so closely and intimately – being a sounding board for others to repent, but build them up again in Christ as a support group. Thank you for sharing! This was a great read.
Sue, this was an amazing post. I agree 100 percent that our marriage and our church lives are all intertwined. Satan wants us to think differently because if he can destroy or marriages then he also destroys our churches as well. Thank you so much for sharing. If you do not care I am going to share this to my blog page.
our Marriage is that picture of the body of CHrist to the world and we must be one for it to be effective for sure. Thanks for the encouragement!