Godly Marriage Expectations
Almost 20 years ago while we were dating, my future husband and I had a critical conversation about our Godly marriage expectations.
It has proven to be one of the wisest investments in our relationship and future marriage being successful.
The Power of Godly Marriage Expectations
We both knew very well about how expectations effect a marriage. We are both divorced from prior marriages when the failed expectations with our spouses quickly destroyed the relationships.
Those marriage expectations are a big deal, aren’t they?
Even small expectations can certainly build up or break down a marriage.
If you expect your spouse to call you when working late and the call is made, you feel respected and loved. However, if you expect that call and it isn’t made, it is easy to feel unimportant and let anger grow.
Communicating Godly Marriage Expectations
When my future husband and I decided to discuss the possibility of marriage, our expectations for a Godly marriage quickly became our focus.
We both recognized how expectations in a marriage are key to its success. Both partners must understand and respect the expectations of each other – regardless of whether or not s/he likes the expectation. This is an act of love for your spouse.
If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.
Proverbs 18:13
Acknowledging What Influenced our Godly Marriage Expectations
The conversation we had that day focused on our expectations for a Godly marriage. We recognized that our own expectations came from observing the marriages of others (like our parents), our past relationships, and cultural displays of what marriages are “supposed” to be (like in the movies).
There were marriages I observed in my family that weaved ideas into my mind of what I dreamed a Godly marriage would look like.
When my past dating relationships had ended, each one taught me things that I wanted or didn’t want in a Godly marriage. One of the kindest guys I ever dated initiated praying with me often. While we decided to just remain friends, that relationship planted the expectation that my future husband would initiate praying with me.
Personally, I would have loved to have a marriage like June and Ward Cleaver or Mike and Carol Brady. While I knew in my heart that those marriages were not real, I craved the consistent love and respect that was shown on TV.
My future husband and I began to think of what we really expected from a marriage. We tried to focus on what really mattered versus trivial expectation like which direction the toilet paper roll was put on the holder.
We first reflected on our previous relationships to consider expectations of what we liked and didn’t like. Those personal experiences often weave together an idealistic spouse, so we needed to examine what was practical and realistic for a Godly marriage, not a Hollywood inspired one.
Clarifying Our Expectations for a Godly Marriage
First, we listed 5 things that were most important to us to be present in our Godly marriage. For example, praying together, enjoying spending time together, and showing respect were things that were on our list.
Then, we listed 5 things that we did NOT want to be present in our marriage. Things like being pessimistic, as well as, arguing in front of others were things that we felt do not express a Godly marriage to us.
Taking Things a Step Further
It was very eye-opening and helped us to see if we were truly going to be compatible in a marriage relationship. In fact, it was so powerful, that we took it a step further.
Because we know that our childhood emotions can shape us as adults, we also began to discuss 5 things we observed in our parents’ marriages that we expected to be present in our own marriage.
My parents have always been very loyal, protective, and kind regarding their in-laws. This was something that was high on my expectations from what I learned from my parents’ marriage (who will be celebrating 50th wedding anniversary this year!).
Likewise, we also listed 5 things that we observed in our parents’ marriages that we knew would not work for us.
My father-in-law was an officer in the United States Air Force, and the job required him to move every 2-3 years and be gone for months at a time. While my mother-in-law found that to be an exciting lifestyle, my husband knew that he did not want the kind of life. It was important to both of us that we would both be home to raise our children together.
Customizing our Expectations for Our Godly Marriage
We prayed over our list of expectations. These were expectations for a Godly marriage that were unique to our past, our personalities, and our dreams.
We discussed how realistic they were and if they were flexible expectations. We shared how we felt when these expectations were honored, as well as, how we felt when they were not. It is important to do this.
We knew that understanding and respecting these expectations were key to each of feeling loved and valued by the other person.
We prayed and felt peace that we could honor these expectations in our Godly marriage. We were ready to take the next step of committing to marriage.
Prior to getting married, it is very important that couples sit down and talk about their expectations of one another. Honestly. By respecting one another and having open communication, it can help them be better equipped for… Click To TweetBy communicating our expectations for our marriage, we could commit to honoring those expectations as partners.
However, if we had each had these expectations without discussion, imagine how easily we could be disappointed and resentful when our spouse disappoints us.
Standing the Test of Time
Almost 20 years later, the list of expectations for our Godly marriage still is valid and rests in our Bible. We can keep going back to the list as our expectations haven’t changed much.
While some of the expectations were not originally a high priority to both of us, we have learned to value both his and her expectations in high regard as an act of love for each other.
Of course, our marriage isn’t perfect. If we ever are feeling discouraged or upset with one another, it is almost always because one of our expectations was not met or remembered. Those issues that keep coming up again and again are typically connected to those priority expectations in our marriage.
Making Expectations Work for Your Godly Marriage
Your list may be very different, and that is completely expected! We are each uniquely created by God and will have a variety of expectations of what a Godly marriage means to each of us.
Even if you are already married, you can have this conversation with your spouse about each of your expectations. You can pray together for guidance in understanding and remembering to show love to each by honoring these expectations.
And if there is an expectation that you cannot or truly struggle to honor, then you and your spouse can pray about guidance for how to handle that as well.
While we have expectations that are important, we also need to have grace and forgive. Sometimes, that is difficult to do. Thankfully, God can help us forgive and shift our focus to doing better in the future.
Angel and I would love to send you this printable form for you to use to strengthen your marriage. Be sure click here to let us know where to email you.
If you would like for us to pray for you and your marriage, simply leave a comment with your name or just a <3 if you have an unspoken prayer request.
We would be happy to pray that you and your spouse come together with clear understanding of your expectations for a Godly marriage.
- Godly Marriage Expectations - February 9, 2018
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Thanks for sharing this. Great advice for all of us no matter how long we have been married.
This is so important regardless of how long you have been married. I was blessed that my husband and I had GREAT premarital counseling. We spent a lot of time on expectations. It is awesome you keep it in your Bible. #trekkingthru
Pinning this! Thanks for sharing your story!
Excellent article. “Clarifying Our Expectations” – this is key! Even after 3 decades of marriage I realize I still need to take a good hard look at my own expectations, and realize that some of them are not realistic and some do not fit with my husband’s.
So glad you shared this past week at our Encouraging Hearts & Home blog hop!
We’ve just recently had a similar talk as our marriage needed to adapt to parenthood. I think it’s importance to keep the conversation line open for big life changes too as our expectations may change down the line
That is a great post, Vicky! Thank you for sharing. Expectations do shift as life changes!
This is such an important topic. Thank you so much for sharing.
My husband and I came up with eleven core values that we share in our marriage. They serve as a measure of how we are growing individually and together!
That is great, Alice! Thank you for sharing that!
This is great advice, and although I wish I sought it 18 years ago, but it’s never too late to have this discussion. Thank you.
We didn’t talk about this before we got married but as we’ve grown in our marriage, our conversations have too. We married really young so we both had a lot of growing to do!
GREat points! I thoroughly enjoyed this and could certainly relate to much of it. Thanks for sharing your insights with us!
This is amazing and very much needed for every marriage. Great post!
My husband and I have a very similar conversation before we got married. Both of our parents divorced so we knew there were aspects of their marriages that we wanted to do different. This is a conversation that we continue to revisit and revise the more emotionally and spiritually mature we become.
I think it is awesome that you continue to have the conversation regarding expectations. In different seasons of your marriage, things change. And while we sometimes go through the motions of thinking we know, it is really important to ask to avoid the potential of any misunderstandings.
This post is extremely helpful as a newlywed. I definitely relate to the importance of talking, knowing, having expectations laid on the table. I also found it interesting how you included how “our expectations” are built from the different experiences of our lives. I find that so true! It amazes me how much my parent’s way of things have impacted me.
Take care,
Dianne
What a wonderful post, especially for those not yet married! I’ve been married 15 years and I know that, at times, my expectations (that weren’t communicated) have made me miserable and frustrated with my marriage. Thankfully, God has worked on my heart and now I do try to communicated my expectations (and then let them go if they go unmet) but I’ve never actually thought about talking about our expectations together so we know what each of ours are.